Day One: 15/1/13
7:32am
Today I start work for ATOS. I’m really looking forwards to it as my old job of Council Dog Shit Removal Expert was playing havoc with my back. In a way I guess both jobs are the same. I’m dealing with the crap nobody else wants to deal with. But at least I get paid more this time and I won’t stink of shit when I go home!!
9:40am
Just had my induction. There was nothing to it really. We just sat in a room for 10 minutes chanting “Nobody is sick. Everybody is fit for work. Pass no-one”. I’ll get my first
10:54am
Well that was easy. A man came in with “Mental Health Issues” (whatever that is) I asked a series of questions then asked him if he’d like to tell me anything. He said that he found it difficult to cope with day to day life and that he found the world overwhelming…at least that’s what I think he said I was busy doing Soduku on the computer.
11:42am.
Just had second person come in. Apparently this one had only 3 weeks to live so he said he couldn’t possibly find a job. Lazy bastard. I still passed him fir for work. I mean Argos have a sale on for the next month…they might need the staff…
12:00pm
Am off for lunch now. Saw a guy begging for change on the street. So I gave him one of those trolley tokens from ASDA. You should have seen the look on his face. When he asked what I had given him it for I said “well if you make enough money begging at least you won’t have to fork out an extra quid when you go shopping” Oh I’m so clever and funny. I really am. If only I had a woman to appreciate my hilarity. I did have a lovely lady at one point…but she burst. Last time I visit that sex shop!
2:10pm
Just had another client. This one was a right piece of work. No arms, no legs and claiming there was no way he could work!! Lazy sod. I told him “You can use your nose”. Some people will do anything to get away with not working!
3:20pm
Last client of the day in 10 mins!! Time has passed so quick and I’ve done so much! I managed to complete the last book in the 50 Shades trilogy, I ordered that puncture repair kit off Amazon (Blow-Up Sally is in for some Lovin’; tonite!!), I drank 46 cups of Coffee, watched a monkey sniffing it’s own arse on You Tube and posted a whole essay on why Captain Kirk is better than Capt Picard on the Star Trek forum.
4:30pm
This one did not go so well. Had an old lady come in who had a lot of health issues. She was blind in one eye, had a false leg, was partially deaf and had incontinence. It wouldn’t be so bad but when I asked her if she could touch her toes she broke wind right in my direction…I guess I am going home smelling of shit tonight…
*None of this is actually true… at all…. well…let’s hope so anyway!
Diary of a Madman
