Tips for Those Going on Community Work Placements [Satire]

Reblogged from Ipswich Unemployed Action:

These People Didn’t Follow Our Helpful Advice.

Handy-Tips for those who, from April next year, will be doing six months unpaid labour on Community Work Placements.

• Always be well-turned out and polite. Your owners should be addressed as Sir or Madam. A brief bow or curtsey will not go amiss.
• Do not stay in your “comfort zone”. No task is too difficult for those on Community Work Placements. If asked to crawl, reply, “How low?”
• Community Work Placements are there to develop valuable interpersonal skills. If told to go and fetch a Latte from Starbucks, run.
• The scheme is an excellent way of helping those without work experience and motivation. Show your motivation! A happy smile never hurt anybody.
• Every morning look in the bathroom mirror and say ten times, “I will do a good job today.”

Ian Duncan Smith ideas in the pipe-line.

• You  will be forbidden to leave the owner’s property during the Placement, unless accompanied by a responsible person, or obtaining permission. If a claimant leaves the owner’s property without permission, “every Daily Mail  reader” is required to chastise such a scrounger.
• Any claimant attempting to run away and leave the scheme will be tagged with an electronic  ”collar” .
• Any claimant who evades capture for 20 days or more is to be branded with the letter S (Scrounger)  on the right cheek, dressed in a bright red  ’Benefit Cheat Onesie’  for the second offence; have a kidney removed (and sold to BUPA) if absent for thirty days for the third offence; and castrated for the fourth offence.
• Claimant homes are to be searched every two weeks for weapons, alcohol, drugs,  or stolen goods. Punishment for violations escalate to include loss of housing benefit, council tax benefit, electricity and gas connections,  and for the fourth offence, death.
• During the Placement, No Claimant shall be allowed to work for pay, or to plant corn, peas, tobacco, hemp, or rice; or to keep hogs, cattle, or horses; or to own or operate a boat, car, mountain bike, metal scooter; to watch flat screen television; or to wear clothes finer than ‘Scrounger cloth’