Tuesday 30th July 2013 I took a phone-call from the DWP. Wednesday 31st July 2013 I took an overdose.
9am my phone rings: As normal I answer and a strange unrecognisable man is on the other end. He is explaining he is from the DWP and later TODAY between 10.30 and 4.30pm I will be receiving a phone-call from ATOS regarding a questionnaire. Failure to answer the phone-call or complete the questionnaire, could result in my disability benefit being stopped. He also explained he has written to me 7 days previously, but I explained I was fully blind, so unless I was able to scan the letter I would not be able to know what it said; this apparently was my fault for not having anyone read my mail.
My mind racing at this sudden change of events today meant I had to let the charity I volunteer for down. I run groups of support for them so not only did I let a charity down at the last-minute, but also the people who were relying on me to run that group. I also had an urgent doctors appointment later that afternoon to find out why I am losing feeling and sensation in my feet. The receptionist was annoyed at the last-minute cancellation and made a new appointment for 2 weeks time.
And so I waited for the phone to ring………
An hour later jumping out of my skin the phone rang. The lady on the other end explained I needed to fill out a questionnaire they will be sending me regarding my ability to work. It was explained coldly: because I pose a risk to their staff they will not be doing a home assessment. I cough up blood because of the poor state of my lungs but I also do this discreetly into tissues and not spray it over people, as was insinuated. I was made to feel like I was a walking infection but that was the least of my worries.
The forms are only available in standard print format, which is great if you can see. When I explained I was fully blind her first reaction was, “how do you have your bills then?” I calmly replied to her rude tone that I receive all my bills and correspondence in either Braille or audio format. “Oh…” was the reply. “What about family? They could fill it out for you?” Again I calmly and politely explained I do not have any family and I am isolated due to my disabilities so since being moved to a new area I have not had the chance to make friends because it isn’t easy popping out when you a) cannot walk b) cannot see. “Well in that case I will have to give you another number to ring and see if they can help you as we do not supply our forms in braille or audio”.
I rang that number and they said they did not having the facilities to help fill out questionnaires over the phone, so if I could call another department; I rang that department and was met with the same reply. The disability advisor has already explained on a previous phone-call she does not speak to people over the phone but you have to travel to see her in person. So I tried the fourth number I was given. I spoke to a lady at length who seemed helpful and understanding but unable to provide any answers into how I was meant to fill out a form I was not unable to see. The service previously offered to fill out forms over the phone had ceased due to government cutbacks, so she gave me another number to try, which was closed as they shut from 1pm so I would have to try them tomorrow. In the meantime it was also reminded to me that failure to fill out the form will mean my disability benefit would be delayed until this has been completed, but the silver lining was the number I have to ring tomorrow was not a premium number – unlike the ones I have been calling all day notching up quite hefty phone charges along the way.
That night worried sick I could not sleep. I woke at 4am crying because I felt after trying so hard to get back to work setting up my shop, I was now being targeted. Maybe I was being over sensitive, but that was how it felt and I was scared. In the end I wrote a desperate tweet to Baroness Tanni Grey Thompson for help, as I have found my MP in the past is very anti disabled & unwilling to help me - http://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1rllkd8:
“@Tanni_GT HELP : I’m scared of what is happening. This morning (9.00am Tues 30th) I had a phone call from DWP informing me that the same day (Tues 30th) I would have a disability assessment over the phone by ATOS anytime between 10.30 and 4.30, and to make sure I am available. He then explained failure to do so would affect my disability benefits and might delay payment if I do not complete it so I had to cancel an urgent doctors appointment because I am losing sensation in my feet later that day at 2.30pm, so I would not miss it. An hour later a woman called me saying because I pose a risk to their staff (I cough up blood because of my lungs) I would have to fill out a questionnaire in the next few days and send it back to them. I explained I am fully blind and the service provided previously that helped me fill out forms has been cut due to government cutbacks. They are aware I am unable to walk so unable to go to one of their offices already. They also do not provide questionnaires in braille or audio format – just standard printed format. I do not have any family & I have become isolated due to my disabilities so no friends close by since I was moved here to be near my rehab centre. I do not have any visitors. Last social visit by friends was back in December. She said they did not have the resources to deal with my disability problems, just mild disabilities and asked me to ring another department for advice and help. I rang them. They said I had to ring another department for advice and help. I rang them – yes they gave me another number. I have now been asked to organise myself an appointment with an ATOS/DWP approved centre and to do this over the phone tomorrow. They said if that centre is not able to help me tomorrow to fill out the forms & questionnaire for my disability assessment to ring them back and they “will have a think on what to do”
Surely if a government department is doing disability assessments they should have the resources to deal with disabilities, and also not put the onus on me to chase around different government departments finding out who does? If I fail my assessment due to being unable to complete it does that mean I am left with nothing? I was made to feel subhuman today being told coldly I pose a risk like I am some disgusting infection because my lungs do not work properly who does not fit into their resources of disabilities. I have to go through the whole process again tomorrow. It is currently 4am and I am crying my eyes out from stress/scared and wondering why I am having to justify why I am working so hard at staying alive to them because they made me feel it was an inconvenience.”
The next morning I was told the assessment centre would be open between 8am and 1pm, and was ATOS approved. I rang nearly every 10 minutes and no-one answered at all during those 5 hours. It just rang and rang. The same time I received amazing support from Tanni & others via twitter. The phone-calls from @bendygirl led me to support from her contacts and my doctor, who had heard about my tweets, telephoned me telling me she would help fill out my forms for me. I rang the DWP lady back informing her my doctor would help with the forms to which she replied, “well it sorted itself out then” – but not before it made me ill!
By now I was experiencing chest pain and having had my second heart attack not long ago this worried me. I took my GTN spray but also my pain meds as my lungs were now in bad shape and my body in general. I was also not paying attention and an hour later I took another set of pain meds. I am not on normal paracetamol, but serious heavy-duty pain meds that allow me to function to some degree throughout the day. It allows me to do some work for my shop while I am on a scheme called “permitted to work” – which I only just started as I was unaware it existed – and allows me a lifeline to build up enough customers and income to come completely off benefits. I am not creating enough orders at the moment to do so.
That night I had to have my stomach pumped and drink a thick charcoal “milkshake”. I also was admitted due to my ECG showing worrying signs from the chest pains that were triggered off by stress.
I am home now, recovering but staying offline for a couple of days until I am stronger. My computer is fixed and I am being targeted by trolls online – throwing abuse my way for being a ‘benefit scrounger’. Yet if that is true why am I working so hard to getting my shop off the ground despite all my disabilities?
This episode has also raised a number of other more serious questions. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a great relationship with their doctors or housing officer like I do – or able to use the internet – so I worry about other blind people who will find themselves in the same situation as I found myself. A lot of blind people become isolated through sight loss especially now with so many resources having been cut back.
What would happen to them? DWP & ATOS rely solely on assuming a disabled person has family to do the work for them. When, like in my case, there is no family it feels you’re dealing with a system that has no adaptability to help, or any willingness. A lot of blind people do not have the skill to use a computer or the internet but instead lead solitary lives. Would they just have their benefits cut because they cannot see to fill out a printed form that does not come in other formats? I guess because they do not use the internet we would never hear about it?
The past 2 days I felt humiliated and ashamed of being disabled. I was made to feel I was an inconvenience because I needed help to fill out a benefits form. I cough up blood from my lungs but I do not spray people with it as insinuated by one of their staff saying I was a risk. There was no compassion in their voices, just annoyance.
Thank you to @Tanni_GT and @bendygirl. I don’t think this is the end of my problem as I know more forms will be coming their way over the course of time, but I now have people who are willing to help me in the future. I just hope next time I do not end up in hospital because of it. Despite everything I am doing to try and come off benefits and despite what Iain Duncan Smith says, not all of us on benefits are scroungers. We just need a chance and to be treated as a human being.
