Reblogged from AAV:
The scene: A party leader is seated behind a large desk, to his right is a
strategic adviser. A third man, enters the room, he is a longstanding party
representative who was first elected when the other two were literally still in
nappies.
Strategic adviser: [using an unnecessarily curt and
patronising tone] Good afternoon, please take a seat ... I hope you appreciate
that we have taken valuable time out of our very busy schedules to see
you.
Old school politician: Yes lad, I am aware that you boys are
busy, however I had rather been hoping that this would be a confidential
discussion.
Strategic adviser: Oh, I'm afraid that would be
totally out of the question.
Old school politician: How
come?
Strategic adviser: Well as his strategic adviser it is
important that I am party to any discussions that take place, but my presence
will also be of benefit to you, as I will be quickly able to address your
concerns in regards to official party policy.
Old school
politician: [addressing party leader] Is this what our once great party has
been reduced to?
Strategic adviser: Perhaps things
were different in your day, but without my input there wouldn't be a chance of
us returning to power.
Old school politician: What do you mean by
your "input"? ... What exactly is it that you do for the party?
Strategic adviser: I help to develop the party line on the issues of
the day. My team do extensive research and determine which will be the most
popular policies on any given issue. Once the core policy lines are determined I
help the party to define central narratives in order to convey our message to
the voter.
Old school politician: [addressing party leader] Hark
at that gibberish, have you nowt to say to me young lad?
Party
leader: To be honest, I'd be lost without policy advice. Politics has
changed a lot since your day.
Old school politician: [Irked
tone of voice] What do you mean since my day? I am still an active elected
representative for this party am I not?
Strategic adviser:
[insincerity obvious in tone of voice] Sorry old man, no offence intended.
Perhaps we should say, politics has changed a lot since you were first
elected?
Old school politician: Well, in some ways things have
changed a lot since 1970, but other things remain the same. Empty populism is
still empty populism.
Strategic adviser: [Agitated] I'm not
sure what you're getting at ...
Old school politician: Well to
spell it out for you young lad, what this party needs is ideology, integrity and
a strong message on social justice. It doesn't matter how you package up all of
the strategies that your polls tell you the public won't hate, your "narrative"
is never going to work because it's not coherent. In order to have a coherent
narrative there needs to be a moral foundation to the story. Your story has no
moral because it's built on a foundation of opinion polls and bloody management
speak.
Party leader: [trying to calm the situation] Well, since we
don't have a lot of time, perhaps we should move onto this list of issues you
would like to raise? [holding sheet of paper]
Strategic
adviser: [consults his copy of the list as if inspecting something utterly
distasteful - like a used condom perhaps] Well, item one on your list is trade
unions, perhaps it would be logical to start there?
Old school
politician: [impassioned] Surely it is insanity to break the historic link
with the trade unions, not only was this party founded to represent the
interests of the workers, the unions still provide 80% of our funding!
Strategic adviser: Well that may be true, but the right-wing press
are eating us alive. They hate the unions and they're using our links to the
unions as a stick to beat us with.
Old school politician: But the
unions aren't all that bad, the tabloids journalists criticise the unions
because they are the paid mouthpieces of the corporate establishment. Every time
the right-wing hark on about trade unions, we should compare our funding with
that of the government. Surely a message that we are funded by millions of
working people, whilst the government are funded by a few dozen
multi-millionaires isn't that hard to fit into your "narrative"? [contempt in
voice obvious as the word "narrative" is spat out]
Strategic
adviser: Look, we're moving on from the unions, and there's nothing old
school dinosaurs like you can do to stop it. We simply can't create the kinds of
polices that will be popular with the press if the unions are allowed to
interfere.
Old school politician: [seethingly angry but
attempting to remain calm] So let me ask you this ... Where are you going to
make up the 80% of our funding you're going to lose by doing this?
Strategic adviser: Well we're hoping that we'll get state funding of
political parties onto the agenda...
Old school politician: So
you're trashing our main source of revenue and all you've got to offer is some
vague hopes? What are you going to do if the other parties refuse to go along
with central funding?
Strategic adviser: Well, we'd have to
look at direct funding from business and major donors.
Old school
politician: [raised voice, turning to shouting] What? You mean we'd have to
adopt the same crony capitalist funding arrangements as the government? Are you
crazy? Don't you think that these businesses and wealthy donors might want to
influence policy too? Don't you see the insanity of throwing away donations from
the unions because of their influence over party policy and replacing their
donations with capitalist donations, and giving the bloody capitalists even more
influence over party policy?
Party leader: [interrupts because
things are getting too confrontational again] Well, lets say that we agree to
disagree on that one. What's next?
Strategic adviser:
[sarcastic tone] It seems our policy on the health service isn't to your
satisfaction.
Old school politician: If we actually had a policy
on the health service, then perhaps I might be able to form an opinion on
whether it is satisfactory or not!
Strategic adviser: [clearly
irritated] What do you mean by that?
Old school politician: I
meant what I said young lad, something you young pretenders should learn a thing
or two about.
Party leader: But we do have a policy on the health
service, though don't we? [worryingly this seems to be asked as a genuine
question, as if he himself is in doubt about the existence of party policy on
the health service]
Old school politician: [Angry reaction
again] It doesn't matter. As far as the public are concerned, you don't have a
clear policy on the health service and you're not doing enough to combat the
ongoing privatisation. I mean even the Early Day Motion against the keystone
privatisation amendment was first proposed by that Green MP wasn't it? ... Then
what? You just let the government rewrite it in slightly different words so that
all services would still have to be tendered to the private sector and the
lowest bids would still have to be accepted, irrespective of patient safety or
quality of service ... You just let them sell it off in front of your
noses!
Party leader: [conciliatory tone] Well you're clearly upset
about this ...
Strategic adviser: [Interrupts] Look, there's
nothing we can do about it anyway. The health service must be privatised because
of the US-EU free trade agreement. There's nothing a few old school lefties like
you can do about it.
Old school politician: So you're telling me
that national health policy has been completely outsourced, and now it is now
decided between a bunch of unelected neoliberal technocrats in Brussels and the
bloody Americans?
Party leader: Well I wouldn't put it like
that...
Old school politician: How would you put it
then?
Party leader: Well, it's just out of out hands now isn't
it?
Strategic adviser: [interjects before the old school
politician can start shouting again] OK, so we've established that there's
nothing we can do to accommodate your concerns about the health service, what's
next ... Zero Hours Contracts?
Old school politician: Well we
should oppose them.
Strategic adviser: We
can't.
Old school politician: Why on earth not?
Strategic adviser: Because we didn't oppose them when we were in
power, in fact we let them spread like wildfire.
Old school
politician: What has that got to do with opposing them now?
Strategic adviser: [adopts intensely patronising tone] Well, if we
begin opposing them now, when we didn't oppose them before, that makes us look
inconsistent. If the polls tell us just one thing, it's that the voters hate
inconsistency.
Old school politician: What a load of cobblers.
Strategic adviser: Look we can't oppose Zero Hour Contracts
because the government and the right-wing press would just accuse us of
opportunism, and that's that.
Party leader: [adopts cheerful
tone, because he seems rather pleased that the old school politician is merely
bubbling with unspoken rage rather than shouting] So what's next?
Strategic adviser: Legal loan sharks? What do you even mean by
that?
Old school politician: You know, those parasitical companies
that make usurious five thousand percent loans to the mentally ill, the
financially illiterate, the absolutely bloody desperate... What do you call them
again?
Party leader: Payday loan companies. [sense of smugness at
knowing the answer]
Old school politician: Yes, that's them.
They suck money out of the poorest communities, they donate money to the bloody
government and they are so immoral they're even regulated in the United States!
We should oppose them and promise to ban them.
Strategic
adviser: No can do!
Old school politician: What?
Strategic adviser: [adopts excruciatingly patronising tone again] We
can't oppose them now because we didn't oppose them when we were in power. If we
change our position now, we'll look inconsistent, we'll look like
opportunists.
Old school politician: [addressing party leader]
Hark at this gibberish again. Is it not better to admit we made a mistake and do
something that is morally right?
Party leader: [intake of breath,
about to speak]
Strategic adviser: [interrupts] Certainly
not.
Party leader: [intejects quickly to avoid more argument on
the subject] What's next on the agenda?
Strategic
adviser: [distainfully reads out list] Workfare ... Atos ... retroactive law
... Royal Mail privatisation ... PFI ... Look here. These are all things we
introduced last time we were in power! I'm getting tired of repeating myself, we
can't change course now. We mustn't appear inconsistent so it's just better to
keep our heads down and wait until we get back into power.
Old school
politician: And then what? We'll address them when we're back in
government?
Party leader: Perhaps.
Strategic
adviser: [fires scornful look at party leader, in the manner of a teacher
scolding a child that has stepped out of line] We can't be seen to make any such
promises.
Old school politician: So given you're refusing to
actually oppose anything that the current government are doing, why should
anyone vote for us?
Strategic adviser: Well, you know as well as I
do that some 20% people always vote for us because they're political tribalists,
enough of the rest will be impressed at the consistency of our
narratives.
Old school politician: Consistently shite they
are!
Strategic adviser: [taking moral high ground] Well, you'll
convince nobody with foul language.
Old school politician: Well I
certainly wasn't getting through with reason was I?
Party leader:
[scanning list] Well there are just a couple more items on your list, what's
this about fracking?
Old school politician: Well there the
environmental case against fracking, but you should really be attacking them on
their blatant conflicts of interest.
Party leader: well...
Strategic adviser: [interrupts] Look the environmental case is a
no go. The press would paint us as environmentalist hippies, so we can't go
there, and the conflicts of interest angle is also unworkable ...
Old
school politician: Why? There's at least half a dozen of them with major
interests in the fracking business they've just given a huge tax break
to.
Strategic adviser: Well if we attack their conflicts of
interest, then they'll attack ours.
Old school politician: We
shouldn't damn well have conflicts of interest. I don't have conflicts of
interest. I don't accept corporate donations. I don't accept corporate freebies
and junkets.
Strategic adviser: Well, most of your colleagues do.
Nobody but you is going to vote in favour of stopping corporate donations to
politicians. Turkeys don't vote for Christmas you know!
Party
leader: What's this last one? Internet Censorship...
Strategic
adviser: Well we can't oppose that can we?
Old school
politician: [exasperated] Why not?
Strategic adviser: Because
their strategists have played a blinder on that one by tying it up with rape
porn and child abuse. If we oppose the introduction of internet censorship, the
average Joe will think we're opposing it because we approve of porn and child
abuse. Nope, it just won't wash.
Party leader: Okay, that's about
it then isn't it. Thank you for raising these concerns.
Old school
politician leaves the room muttering about historic party figures spinning in
their graves.
Strategic adviser: I don't see why you waste
your time with these dinosaurs. Can't you just deselect them and replace then
with reliable people that know how to stay "on message"?
Party
leader: No, not really. We can't force them out, but they're a dying breed
anyway. Most of them have gone in the last 19 years, and the few that remain are
getting old. Anyhow, they do still have some popular appeal with left-wing
voters don't they?
Strategic adviser: How many times have I told
you to forget about left-wing voters. They don't matter. They'll vote for us
because they have no other alternative. They're hardly going to vote for the
other two parties are they?
Party leader: I suppose
not.
Strategic adviser: [laughing] I mean does he really think
that people would vote for militants like him? Nobody wants their politicians
banging on about ethics and integrity and social justice do they?
Party leader: [laughing in the manner of someone that clearly
doesn't understand what's funny] I suppose not.
Strategic
adviser: Right, who have we got next? Oh, it's the guys from Policy
Exchange. They've got some great ideas we should look at...
